BYOM – BRING YOUR OWN MEAT!!

Last Sato, I was up early. It was a splendid spring day. But I was famished. A barbeque with some jungus was in the offing that afternoon and I spent the best part of the morning drooling, trying to divert my mind from the impending feast, but was occasionally distracted from my task by the incessant Ashanti drummers who were perched in my stomach. I was in for a kidogo shock …

One lesson to keep in mind when you barbeque with jungus: BYOM (Bring your own Meat). When Kenyans gather for a barbeque, there are two constants: pints and meat; real meat. The grill looks awesome, resplendent with prime rib, a hypnotizing aroma of barbeque sauce … a hungry pack of wananchi, patiently watching the grill, smelling the air, readying their tumbos with a fortifying therapy of their favourite brew. Not with jungus. I washed down the first hot dog with a cool brew to calm the minyoos, and then I settled down to wait for the meat. Lakini wapi?? The hot dogs kept coming, punctuated intermittently by cheeseburgers. Then more hot dogs, and more hot dogs. Wooi, BYOM ndugu zangu …

Another key lesson is: For the duration of the barbeque, you love dogs – seriously. I mean, Kenyans are well aware that mere mongrels do not merit the use of personal pronouns. The use of “he” and “she” is strictly reserved for people. In addition, for us Kenyans, dog fur/saliva do not really go well with meat … or hot dogs for that matter. Not with jungus. We were greeted by Leo and Toughy; the latter possessing a truly ironic name. “She” is partly a kiwete; the front right leg is inside-out. When she walks, “her” gait is akin to a model, I mean, assuming jungus hold mongrel pageants … you get the picture I hope … But Toughy makes up for “her” short-comings with the courage of a lion. “She” is a tiny, tiny dog. Pint sized, smaller than some cats I’ve seen. But she dared challenge a big dog, like the ones in Kenya. It was a spectacle that left Toughy bleeding from the ears and neck, and the owner red-faced. But seriously, fungia vijibwa!!

Finally, be prepared for “weird” questions; especially from old jungu mamas who seemingly have no historical or geographical perspective.


Is it hot in Kenya? (Translates to “Is that why you are so black”)
Do you live close to modern Kenya? (Translates to “Do people still live in the bushes”)
Do you live close to the Maasai? (Translates to “Do you still have “exotic” tribes”)
Do they still hunt? (Wtf! When were they last hunting?)

Luckily I have been around long enough to take such questions with a ka-grain of salt. I am more entertained than irritated by such displays of cultural ignorance. And no, it’s not my fault that they were not “about Africa” in school. As such, it is impossible for me to accept such an apologist mentality. But I’d gladly accommodate these niggling idiosyncrasies if only they wekad some REAL MEAT on that expensive grill.