Of a Spiritual Quandary ...

I grew up on latrines … I mean I grew up using latrines for number 2 and anywhere for number 1. For the slow ones, I grew up deep in the village. I used to go to school barefoot, with no vunda every other day (tulikuwa tunashare na bro …), and torn shorts and shirts … and a protruded belly … tulikuwa tunasukuma ugali na sukuma kila wiki …tungali … PSYCHE …

I used my first modern toilet at the “tender” age of …ummm … 9 or 10.

That was when I was shipped to boarding school for the first time. I remember looking at that thing and wondering “just how do you use this thing?” … granted the HOLE was bigger than the kijiji ones, but it was also HIGHER up … it was impossible to assume my village position!

But as y’all may (not) know, the village endows you with plenty of skills which are useful at problematic times such as those …

So I CLIMBED…

And CLIMBED … until I went to high school …

It took a harsh lesson to “STOP CLIMBING” … toilets that is …

You see, I ate quite well after KCPE. My first CLIMB in high school was the last one to-date. I climbed, and came down “mid-work” with the whole damn thing. Talk about shit hitting the floor … but I did learn the “methodology”


The other day, I mean many years ago, in a drunken daze, I walked into a “kibanda” and proceeded to order some samosas “to go” …

And go I did …

The kao-kyuk in me took over: Alas … I mean haraaa …

To make it worse, I was in my local church, working hard to stifle a nice nap that was threatening to muzzle the pastor’s Hallelujah … it was my punishment for spiritual insubordination.

So I dashed to the “recently dug” latrines. There at awaited my disaster. In no order, this is my list of complaints:

The HOLE seemed like the size of a cup mug opening

It was triangular – meaning your “ass-gymnastics” had to be pin-point

It was, quite literally a few inches from the door, meaning that your said gymnastics would only be perfect if your knees were outside the “shed” consequently implying the door had to be open …

The shed was 1 BY 2 or thereabouts in dimension … as if intended for dwarfs or something …

Dear Lord, amnesty It was a smear campaign …am nasty ...


Amnasty.