BREAKING NEWS - KIBAKI DESTROYS ALL OPPOSITION.

ROUND # 2 - Kubaf ...

Siku Njema, nmefika Kongowea
Mie Kinjeketile, maji maji nshakunywa
Vita vya vina, ngojerani mtakanywa
Uchaguzi u karibu – kobole – ntapewa lazima
Ubaguzi sina – ole – wote ntawazima
Kabila langu Hehe ... baridi nawaletea
Sikizeni makubaf ...

Tinga tinga, naiona yako pinga pinga
Tahamaki ewe mpenda samaki
Manyakee – umekula all sizes (get it?)
Mtondo goo – kala uroda – tena na Moi
Mtondo, oh noo – Kibaki tosha – hali yako hoi
Koo yako nimeikaba – sitoacha nakuasa
Ndo wako ukahaba - uache wa kisiasa
Mie mahiri wa uchumi – tahiri kabla uvumi ...
Kubaf wewe !

Musyoka, adhabu yangu utachoka
Subiri joint nmalize, nkutengue viuno
Nkuhubiri bongoni, nkuteke kama malaria - uwe mad
Kuniamba utokoma, nkikunyambia ulale
Makoko yako ntafinya wee, ntakutia baridi
Utopigania ukoko, siku ya uchaguzi nakuahidi
Mawaidha yangu jiuzulu, ikulu hupumziki
Aidha, mie Shaka nnazuru, nkudhuru kiZulu - ndo yako riziki
Kubaf wewe !

Uhuru, kai wii na ngoma iriku?
Ungali wanyonya kisiasa, ona nakuonya
Wewe bikira kisiasa, zako gani fikira?
Msumari wangu nnanoa, nkuzibe kimanyu manyu (get it ?)
Lazima utahara, nkikutoa kafara
Macho bangi ntakutoboa, rangi ntakutoa
Ntokudondoa kizimwi, nkubandike vidonda -kama vya ukimwi!
Kubaf wewe !

Ruto ?
Hatari yako haiwashi, hivyo mistari michache
Moto nakuwashia, kuliko wa gomora - uchache
Nkuyeyue kisiagi, nkutwange radi, nkuache ukichechemea
Ebu nkamate waragi, hadi che nkukemee
Kubaf wewe!

Musikari ...
Usinkunjie ngumi, mie nyangumi
Ntokutumia askari, akuonje vikali
Vioja umiminizwe, uachwe umedidimizwa
Njia zako kombo, insha lazima upewe
Dua lako gombo: liwe ishallah – Emilio jabali - urais apewe
Kubaf wewe!

Ngilu:
Not you mami, nasita kukuzika
Ijapo, sitosita kukushika
Rambaza sahita yangu
Nmesambaza ubingwa wangu
Wenzako nshararua
Nlivyosema kwenye barua
Charity huanza nyumbani
Nialiki kwako Ukambani
Milki yetu tuitawale
Eti Lucy?
Usiwe pussy.
Kichwa chake si timamu
Tena sio mtamu
Upesi upesi basi ... irabu nmemaliza ... nkuonyeshe maajabu ....

Imagine Daylight Saving in Kenya ...

Thank God Kenya is @ the equator !

Have you guys ever pondered how much more shit there would be in Kenya if we had day light saving ?

How many times have you heard about siblings slaughtering each other for land ?

Now imagine this :

A lady is belaboured with twins ... it is the last saturday of october - you know - the day we "fall back" in time ...

screaming...

1.59 am : First child drops ...

more screaming ...

10 minutes later: second child drops ...


Dilemma:

Technically, the 1.59 am child is the first born right ? ....
But legally, since @ 1.59 am the clock moves back to 1.00 am, the second child is now born @ 1.09 am and becomes the first born ...

Fast forward: Inheritance time. Both can make a claim to be first borns, right ? One on a point of law, the other on logic. Sio ?

Kubaf ninyi - What Kibaki Really Meant ...

Round # 1

Kazi yenu nyoko nyoko
Wacheni nkamate so-co so-co
Nwatusi bila kamusi
Mfanye hepa hepa
Niachwe na bibi zenu
Nkifanya heka heka
Kubaf ninyi !

Vijibaba vitukutu
Nmeingia mtukufu
Mkinletea nuksani
Ntawabomolea maskani
Kubaf ninyi !

Uchumi – asilimia sita takriban
Sitasita kuleta vita vya kitaliban
Props musipoleta - vinyesi nyie
Unyeti nyie – m drop
Kubaf ninyi !

Nmewasili, nnaleta fasihi
Mie pepo, nkemee nikuingie !
Mie upepo, ninyoree – mnyoro ukurudie wee !
Mie mnyambo – vuta pumzi – nkuroge wee !
Kubaf ninyi !

Hii ni raundi ya uno
Nawashauri mno
Musistaajabu ya Musa
Ya Firauni yatawagusa
Kubaf ninyi !

Waganda na Kingoso ....

"Ugandans know English"
"Tanzanians know Swa."
"Kenyans?"

It does not take much to appreciate the Kiswahili spitting abilities of Tanzanians. They need only open the mouth for 3 minutes and you are scuttling away to look for a kamusi...

As for the Ugandans, I always thought their fame for knowing English was always generous. I mean, we Kenyans can hold our own, right? Until I met a certain Mugabi, a Ugandan holding the title of "Membership Consultant" at my gym ...

The dude was firing SAT words @ me like crazy. Was this a proud Ugandan trying to assert his linguistic superiority over an unsuspecting Kenyan? I am watching him really closely. Should my suspicions be confirmed, I have a perfect riposte ... I'll just wave the 100 kenyan bob i still retain in my wallet for sentimental value and ask him "My brother, do you know this money could make you rich in Uganda?"

And on that note, are we Kenyans famed for anything, linguistically speaking? Ama we are the in-between of Ug. and Tz. ??

Of God and Money

Of God and Money


Can God answer money prayers?

This has not statistically been proven but I think observation suggests that:

The poorest among us, across all walks of life and religions, are the most consistently and genuinely pious ?

Yet, and especially amongst X-tians, those who teach the poor to "seek first the kingdom and its righteousness" are filthy rich ...

Money is man's creation.

Man was created with the propensity to exchange stuff. In no other species will you find this trait. But, owing to division of labour, every man constantly has need for his neighbour's stuff.
The genesis of currency is directly linked to the necessity to alleviate the inconveniencies of exchange. [Adam Smith]

So can we really expect God to open the proverbial floodgates of heaven ? Should we ?

I wonder ...

Of Science and God


Scientific evidence, in my opinion, corroborates rather than undermines the existence of God. In the same way that spontaneous evolution makes zero sense, I believe there is a process through which God created the universe. The existence of the Big Bang should be a headache, not for the believers in God, but for non-believers. Where did the finely tuned laws come from ? The matter?

Secondly, it should be noted that creation of the universe and creation of man are two separate events, with the big bang facilitating (provided matter), rather than disproving the possibility of creation.

Of the Origins of Life …

Big bang? Evolution? Creation? As a staunch believer in Creation, I have to admit that bits and pieces of the former two theories are very very compelling. But what if they are not incompatible with creation? Anyway, I am better off starting from the beginning …

All religions (Traditional African Religions, Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, etc.) believe in the existence of a supreme being/beings. Furthermore, they all purport to have been created or originated one way or another from their supreme being/beings.

According to the teachings though we know that:

Murungu (Kikuyu God) ≠ Enkai (Maasai) ≠ Allah ≠ Jehovah …. And the list goes on …

Would anyone doubt that based purely on physical characteristics:

A Kikuyu, Maasai, Arab, Jew, White, Chinese ALL came from the same source? I am taking this as a given. I will also take it as a given that God exists.

If that be the case, how meaningless are the squabbles about whose God is the true one and what not? The fact is this. THERE IS ONLY ONE GOD. Out of this realization emerges two and only two possibilities:

Only 1 religion is right in their perception of God ( I highly doubt)
All religions are wrong (In one way or another, I’d say this is a certainty)


But alas! Religion is a human construct. It is the logical product of the inability of humans to fathom infinity. Put in other words, it is the active manifestation of the vice-like shackles of time and space on the human mind. “In the beginning there was God” How about before the beginning? How about before God created. What was there? How can nothing exist? What is forever and ever? The answer is God.

Because we were created in the context of time and space, and clearly God is not confined by these rules, how then is it possible to understand his works?

Conjecture.

It is the reason we have so many religions, each purporting to understand God, yet arriving at vastly different conclusions with fellow beings about the nature of God.

It is the reason we have the evolution theory
It is the reason we have the big bang theory

Of the existence of God, I have no doubt. It saddens me that throughout human history, we have slaughtered each other in his name. Today, we are doing so ever so subtly. Yet deep down, because we are afraid to confront engage in “God debates” we have failed to come to the stark realization of our commonalities of origin and the intertwinement of our fates. Do we need an alien invasion to jolt us to this reality?

Oh we foolish beings of earth
May God show his mercies on us …

Of Heaven and Hell (Part 2)

Most of us Christians are familiar with the verse:

“No one comes to the father except through me [Jesus] …”

Think about this scenario. Picture yourself in Africa’s interior, say 1500 A.D You might be fishing on Lake Victoria, digging in Murang’a or herding goats in Loiktoktok. No colonial boundaries exist. Let alone hear of Jesus, no one has the faintest notion that other men except black exist …

Another scenario. You are born in Afghanistan – 1998 – at the height of the Taliban rule. Your parents are devout Muslims. Pray five times a day, give alms, read the Koran, etc. Do you think you’d ever get to hear of Jesus and his teachings? And if you did, would you forfeit what you grew up believing? We are a function of what our parents and communities are. That is an irrefutable fact.

In all fairness therefore, hearing or not hearing about Jesus in a way that you can accept and adhere to his teachings can be attributed to probability – that is – the probability that you are born to a Christian family. Given the population of the world and the number of professed Christians, I dare say that the said probability is less that 0.5.

I find it hard to accept that the God I pray to, all loving and caring, would operate like this. There must be a lot we do not understand

Cogitations on religion


DISCLAIMER:

For those who for personal or other grounds would rather not debate religious issues, I beg you not to bear any ill-feelings towards me. This posting is fully representative of my thoughts, and is intended not just to invite debate, but also to find answers to questions that I have long pondered, that neither my mum nor my pastor can answer …


Of Heaven and Hell …

Given: God understands our thought process.

Does it matter if you think about getting laid before marriage, cheating on your wife, etc vis a vis going out and committing those sins?

Does it matter if you think about challenging static and firmly rooted religious beliefs versus actually engaging in discourse to try and get answers?

If you believe that in the former case it doesn’t, it must follow also in the latter scenario. Surely, if one wholly subscribes to Christ, the bible and the teachings there in, I submit that the definitive answer to the aforeposed questions based on traditional Christian teachings is:

NO IT DOES NOT MATTER.

The implications and conventional Christian teachings are severe; both would be punished in equal measure.

DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?

Something bothers me about this interpretation. Every force in our world has its opposite. For God, the opposite is the Devil. This is the ultimate antithesis, from whence diverge all the other opposites.

For good – evil , love – hate , reward – punishment , and the list goes on …

Talking of rewards and punishment … here a discrepancy unfurls …

My pastor, mum, all my religious mentors … they all have counseled me, at one time or another, that every person shall be rewarded according to the good he/she does in this world. There is nothing wrong with that. It makes perfect sense.

But why is the converse not true according to Christian teachings? All sinners will be thrown into a burning lake of sulphur! Hitler and the kid who got hit by a car while running from the mob, after lifting from a convenience store will suffer the same fate. I just find it hard to believe. In fact I do not think that is what the bible teaches. Take a look at the following verses:

I will recompense them according to their work and according to the doing of their hands (Jer. xxv. 14)

Jehovah, whose eyes are open upon all the ways of men, to give to every one according to his ways and according to the fruit of his works (Jer. xxxii. 19)

The Son of man shall come in the glory of His Father with His angels and then He will render unto every one according to his works (Matt. xvi. 27).

2 Corinthians 5:10 10For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things [done] in [his] body, according to that he hath done, whether [it be] good or bad.

Ecclesiastes 12:14 14For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether [it be] good, or whether [it be] evil.




Food for Thought: What do you make of heaven and hell ?



Coming up:

Of God and Money

Of the Origins of Creation