A shit post ...

A gift to remember ...

Jack and Jones lived down the hall from me. They were white. These two characters were notorious. Jack, for his smarts - how did one get so high, so often and yet was always on Dean’s list after every semester? Jones on the other hand was a walking oxymoron … rumor was that his endowment fund was generously stocked. That his microphone was always a handful for any gal on campus to talk to … I never played baseball so I never had the opportunity to substantiate the rumor …

It was Jones’ birthday. He received a note from the postman, bright and early, before his first class. He was looking 4ward to plenty of gifts and loving from his friends.

“You have a package at the post office. Please present this card at the window for pick-up.”

The campus mail-boxes were tiny. Anything not letter-sized could not fit. One had to go during office hours to collect larger parcels from storage. After his morning class, he ran over to the posta, brain teeming with ideas as to the origins and contents of the package. Maybe it was his parents. Better yet, presents from several of his well “served” one night standees? He wasn’t sure, but he had a good feeling about this …

He raced back into his room in record time, visibly excited. Scissors out, rip the carton open. Alas, it was a carton in a carton. Scissors again, mutilate this other carton and behold; a gem of a gift, in all its majesty lay before his perplexed eyes …

In a transparent plastic bag, inside that second carton, lay the driest, longest and now smelliest piece of shit that he had ever laid his eyes on. Attached next to it was a simple note, written in caps, and in red:

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY”

JACK.

Alienda posta kuget shonde !!

He needed it like a third armpit. He started plotting his revenge ...

Lost in Translation - 2

Finally … getting into the reading …

P: Katika kitabu cha Warumi ...
T: In the book of (pause) … In the bible (muffled laughter ensues …)

P: (showing remarkable patience and understanding) In the book of Romans …
T: In the book of Romans (repeats exactly what Pastor said, nobody knows why …) ..

P: Theinie wa ibuku ria Aroma, murango wa ikumi na imwe na kamuhari ka mirongo itatu na ithatu …
T: In the book of Romans … (another pause) … part...eeh …

P: Chapter 11 verse 33
T: Chapter 11 verse 33 (haiya … niaremirwo ni thabari!!)

P: (finally running out of patience … calling out another pastor to help out, surely two pastors cannot go wrong …)
Pastor Njuguna, wee niwui Gikuyu?
T: (presiding over his own firing …) Pastor Njuguna, do you happen to know Kikuyu?

(The said pastor Njuguna rises and starts walking towards the pulpit …)

P: (Delivering the coup de grace on translator 1) Uka uteithie muru wa ithe witu hanini haha …
T: (You won’t believe this …) Come and help our brother (as in himself) a ritlle bit …

(Suppressed laughter, but some cannot hold it, Mwangi included) … Hence forthwith, pastor Njuguna will be Translator 2, or T2.

His first agenda was to read out the said Warumi 11:33 – 36:

T2: (Reading, confidently …):

33Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and[a] knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! 34"Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor?"[b] 35"Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him?"[c] 36For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.

P: Andu a thi nimeciragia nioge muno munooooo … (demonstrating the contrary, proving vs 33-34, I suppose)
T2: Human beings think they are fery clever …

P: Nginya mahotete guthodeka nyamu itagwo “shandow” …
T2: (Clearly perplexed …): To the point they have been able to make …errr … that vessel he just mentioned ….

Congregation lol vibaiyaaaa … Mwangi lia machozi ni kicheko …

P: Mathodeke “shandow” irahota guthie nginya kwa mweri!!
T2: (An aha! Moment … on mention of the moon): Humans have managed to make a shuttle that can ferry them upto the moon …

P: No andu ti ogi uguo meciragia …
T2: But humans are not as clever as they would like to think …

P: Tondu korwo ni ogi uguo ri …
T2: If they were that clever …

P: Nimwonire riria “shandow” yahiaga, ikigoa kuma matuini?
T2: Did you see the shuttle burning, as it fell from the sky?

P: Korwo andu niogi munoooo ri, ka matagithondeka “shandow” ingi, iri na ihenya gukira iyo …
T2: If humans are so clever, why can’t they make another shuttle, faster than that one …

P: Nigetha “shandow” yahura thimu yuge ni irahia ri, matume “shandow” iria ina ihenya, yambate ikinyire iyo, ina miberethi ya mae, imihorie itige kuhia !!
T2: So that if the burning shuttle makes a call, to say it is burning, they can send the faster shuttle, complete with sprinklers to go and extinguish the fire …

True of God ... (Quintessence '07)
Mayangai … [several members of the congregation stream out quietly, alarmed, perhaps even embarrassed by the turn of events …]


P: Mundu wooothe uciaritwo ni mutumia …
T2: Every person that is born of a woman …(haiya ii, kwani siku hizi birth is being outsourced …)

P: (switching to Kingoso for emphasis …) Get me well into that point …
T2: (trying his best, vividly bamboozled …): Pris understand my point very well …

P: No muhaka amenye indo ciothe ciumaga kuri Ngai; chuma ciothe, mabati, indo ciothe, ciumaga kuri teriini wa Ngai …
T2: Every person born of a woman must understand that all things come from God; all metals, (ignores iron sheets) , come from the soil, which belongs to God almighty

P: (Demonstrating the potential of the wrath of God) Na kwahota kugia na ruhuho rututhirire
T2: (doing his best) And there might be a wind and then …err … we won’t even undastad.


MORAL OF SERMON AS UNDERSTOOD BY JM:

All wisdom, all things; material or otherwise belong to and come from God. We should not be obsessed with the search for wealth while on earth …



***Hmmm .... (Or was it)***

Lost in Translation

The glory of the lorda ...

Where: Church.

When: Saturday @ approximately 2pm EST

What: Sermon

Why: Memorial service for a gentleman. Words like “gentleman” should be earned, not dished as freebies. This man, judging from the consistency of accolades, deserves it. May his soul rest in eternal peace.

Mood: Sombre but punctuated by occasional kwotable translation gaffes …

Disclaimer: From here on, this is not JM @ work. The pastor has taken over my blog. Oh, and the reader is advised to be liberal with the use of “r” and “l” that is, you may intershange them at will …

P will be pastor.

T will be translator.

P: Mwathani agocwo

T: Praise the Rod!!

Congregation: (largely ignores but one or 2 squeaky voices …): Ameniiiiiiiiii ….

P: Bwana asifiwe (not convinced, switching lingua …)

T: Praise the Lond!!

Crowd ignores again …

P: (visibly agitated): Caitani niagucitie ngoro cianyu naagacioha …

T: The devil has pulled your hearts …. (processing info ...) and tied them …

P: Korwo ni Kibaki wi haha auge “Harambee” … (confusing Emilio with Jomo K)

K: If Kibaki was here and said “Harambee” …

P: Onawe cucu nowanirire uge “Harambee”

T: Even the grandmothers in here would have responded …

P: I like preaching in my favarite ranguage – Kiswahili

T: (Translates into necessary Kisapere …)

P: Because then the “hory split “ and I interact propery …

T: Nyendete kuhunjia na githweri … (missing part of translation)

THEME REVEALED …

P: Indo ciothe ni cia Ngai

T: All things berong to God …

P: Ugi wothe, wara wothe, ni wa Ngai

T: All the Knowredge, arr the wisdom comes fron Gond

P: Nimuramenya uria murathimetwo? Nginya muriaga thabibu tare githeri?

T: You have been very blessed by the almighty …

(clearly 4getting what thabibus are …)

(You have been blessed, you partake of grapes/raisins like they are murram/githeri) …..

TBC …

To be continued ….

Lip licker ...

I saw someone on Anderson Cooper last night:

Ha …
Han …
Hanj …
Ha Njeri …
Ha Njeri na …
Ha Njeri na Jollity
Angelina Jolie!!

My God!! And she was biting her lips all through the interview!! Even AC was getting derailed, na ni mtu wa mathuthaz (so I hear) ... This chick's strutting the best set of lips ever to grace television!! I need me some jollity lips ...

Ngaiiiiiiiii babaaaaaaa ....

Basic Rule of Thumb ...

1. When a dark shaped object whizzes across the room, at three times ten to the power eight metres per second you know you are fucked …
   
2. When the said object waits until you are just about to sleep, to do the said whizzing, you know you are nocturnally fucked …
   
3. Now, when your roommate beholds the said whizzing, lets out a sharp cry “Ngaiiiiiiiii babaaaaaa …." ad infinitum not only is the fucking nocturnal, but it is likely to be without the lubricant of your choice … excrutiating … tremendous enthalpy of combustion …
   

But I know you muthafuckas are not getting the point:

What I am kindly trying to say is this:

There is a fucking rat in the house.

And I am fucking scared to go home tonight. Not after how fast that little fuck was moving last night. Jeeezus, and Mary and Joseph !! What the fuck am I gonna do?

Kirima [ Insert Appropriate Phobia here]


The worrying thing is that the little-fucka was littlish [read youngish] …

This portends a MAJOR problem:

What if the said little-fucka was SEXILED* ….

As in would not be allowed to watch the big-dick fucka doing his thang to populate the house with similarly fast little fuckas?*

In fact, @ the speed @ which that little-fucka flashed before our mersmerized selves, I would not be surprised if big-dick (noun) caught little-fucka jerking off to his big-dick (adjective) manenos and chased him off !!

If that be the case, if big-dick be in the house doing his thing, now I am eternally fucked …

What’s a fucking rat’s gestation period?

(Ooozing manly machismo ... )

I am a mammal of higher order … I will not allow big-dick to hold me in thrall … ama show him a swinger (mass noun) …

I reckon maybe it’s becoz it’s summer time that little-fucka and his clan found their way to the crib … so before I left house in the morning, I decided to modify the “climate in the house” … wekad maximum cooling ….

In the hope that @ best:

a) The cold will shrivel big-dick and induce temporary erectile dysfunction before I flush the clan out tonight …
b) Lil-fucka’s -mama will catch a “rat-cold” that will result in loss of “heat” delaying/ eliminating/ negating big-dick’s multiplication instincts …


In the absence of success:

I am buying “Mummification for Dummies” on my way home …

Finally ...

fabuloso profondamente!!

jeez am soo glad ...

I just took my first crap since Sunday night - and it's now Friday. I thought I was sick or sam' serious like that ... unadulterated liberty!

Najivu ... oops ... Nakubaff Nikiwa Mkenya ...

beyond preposterous ...

How is this shit possible?
How is it logical?

How does one with a Kenyan Flag in the house have the temerity to tell Me:

"Wee, do not speak Kiswahili in the office!"
"You will get fired!"
"It is very unprofessional"
"That's why I respond in English everytime you speak Kiswahili to me!!"

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Remember when we were kids and used to be told things like:

If you swallow a seed when eating an orange, a tree will start growing in tour tumbo ...

or

Ukimeza Bigi-G ati it will wrap up your intestines and keep you from crapping ...

or even worse:

Ati ukikumia ile minyoo ina manyoya you'll die!!


That is how much my intelligence was insulted, nay, assaulted @ the office leo, tena by a fellow Kenyan!!

Bear in mind:

The French people in the office speak French ...
The Spanish peeps speak Spanish ...
The Foundation's mission is centered in Africa (even have an office in all 3 East African Countries!!)

etc.

Does this person believe Kiswahili to be an inferior language?
An inferiority complex?
Undue "respect" / fear for Wazungus?
An acute case of boot-licking and tail-wagging?


I subscribe to none of that stuff. I wish someone would as much as hint @ the office that they have beef with me speaking Kiswahili!!

I would demonstrate to them that:

"Nametameta nikiwa Mkenya"



Viva Kiswahili - I'll never let you down!!

Dumpling Parabolas ...

eeewwww ... (shauri yako)

Tuliwanga wapi ? (Bants, '07)

Hii risto hata sijui nieleze aje bila kuudhi wasee, specially washee ... na najua mii ni pathetic sana na hii lugha ... munisamehe ...

Tuko na mabeste kwa keja Sato. Grrrhh .. prrrrrr .... shweee .... ni minyooo kuleta nuksi. Wasee wana UBAO. Tumbo zinaimba kwaya na rhythm lakini bila melody. Haya, mpango uchorwe. Tufike joint ingine hapo ya beste anaitwa Kamau, ati tufyeke nyam chom ... lakini place si ni mbali kiasi ...

Ndio sisi tumepitia anaa Jamaican joint on the way, ati ka-snack angalau minyoo ikimye on our 45 minute drive. Haiyaa, ndio mimi nimeitisha nini? Mild beef patty na dumpling mbili ... na kajuo hapo hivo ... kuingia kwa gari, dakika mbili xact nishararua nini - ka-snack ka mine. Haya ... msisahau kuraruka ...

SIjawai manga dumpling tamu hivo. Kumbe utamu ni bacteria zimejaa!! Haiyaa!! Dumpling ni faraja, dump ndio dhiki ... sii mimi ni wahenga ...Kufika tu hivi kwa Kamau, tumbo anzia kijana, wacha nichunwe walahi!! Lakini kuna shida moja ...

Kwa Kamau kuna nini? Choo uno - chafu kuliko toii zingine za citi-kanju NAi. Ushaienda joint yenye hata kuingia bafu kunyora ni shida? Nashangaa, nikichill one more minute ni ivo ... it is definitely raining kaa vile naskia nairobi kumenyesha this weekend.

Desperate times zinaitisha nini - desperate measures. Kuna given moja. Dumpling haziwezi kaa kwa tumbo. So si ilibidi nidecide kaa nataka steady state ya rasa iwe kwa ngotha ama kwa hiyo bafu ... poleni ... hapa ndio tunaingia TMI ... lakini shida yenu, risto iendelee x-rated ...

Ndio mimi nimekaza rasa ni kaa iko na vice. Hakuna kitu ime-attain escape velocity by now. Dumpling bado ziko ndani lakini zinaknock na mikono zote mbee, zii , zinasukuma mlango. I figure I have a max of 30 seconds ku-make executive decision: kwa ngotha au kwa bafu?

Shiiiiiiieeet!! ... hiyo iliwa no-brainer. Lakini siezi ketia hiyo seat. Unaeza toka hapo na rasa kaa tatu ni microorganisms ... eeeewww ... aiyaeee ... bahati zile choo za kijiji zinanijua ... zenye lazima ubebe compass na protractor - si kupima angle yenye utaposition rasa shonde isihate shimo ... choo yetu huko shagz huniambia "Welcome Back Mwangi" hata nikipotea miaka kaa tatu ... halafu inaniwai front page ya the latest STANDARD gazeti ... na si ati nisome ...

Lakini tuko kwa Kamau. Unaweza toa mzeiya kwa kitongoji lakini kitongoji huwezi toa kwa mzeiya. Sindio I borrowed from dem old days. Nilikuwa kwanza nafikiria the best strategy ni kupanda hiyo seat lakini hiyo ukiweka more than 15o pounds si ni hivo ... so obvious hiyo si option ... nilimeditate kiplani hivi hivi, nikaimagine ni shimo ya toii ya shagz, ingawa bwaku kidogo, so obviously angles inabidi adjustment ... mchoro karibu uli-work to perfection, but not quite.

Sitaki kusema mambo mobb juu kuna masuspect wanaeza soma na walikuwa maskan ... hihii, lakini ki-cryptic mdogo mdogo, mii nilicome kugundua principle ya Galileo - yule mItaliani si mwingine. Situation iliwanga hivi baada ya steady state:

"The motion that acts vertically on an object (s) is the force of gravity, and this pulls an object towards the earth at 9.8 meters per second. But while gravity is pulling the object down, the projectile is also moving forward, horizontally at the same time. And this horizontal motion is uniform and constant according to Galileo's principle of inertia."


Nilitoka huko masaaaa!! Kwa bar, leta bia, leta shoto , sahau ile damage umefanya. Saa mi najiambia si GOLF ati lazima kila shimo nawai HOLE-IN-ONE ... Si kupenda kwangu lakini. Ni kuraruka manyu manyu. Shetani ashindwe!! Lakini nimepona sasa.



Addendum:

On second thought - sitaki ku-burn!!

BLOGOHANJAMZ: ACCOMODATING UNCONVENTIONAL PARADIGMS ...

Some More Truths ...

What is love?
Is there a universal definition?
What does it mean to be "in love" ?

Imagine all KBWers were secretly asked to define love, sans the aid of a dictionary/bible. What is the probability that they would all define love as the same thing? In all likelihood, there would be individual discrepancies. I shall use this backdrop to answer in the AFFIRMATIVE a question that was posed by Klara:

"Is it possible to Love someone u have never physically met? Lately been feelin closer to this guy n yet we havent met..."


Before I explain why my answer is an EMPHATIC YES, I suspect one thing:

Klara is NOT ALONE. There are people on this very KBW who "feel each other", who profess love for each other, but keep it on the down low because frankly: It is NYOB !! It is upon the two parties to reveal or not to ...

Let's face it; blogosphere is also an arena of life where love can be fostered. Now, back to the question I posed earlier on. If you agree that different peeps would define love in different ways, then it goes without saying that we cannot legitimately judge/criticize/castigate any one who claims to have fallen in love with a fellow blogger. They are simply practicing love the way they understand it!!

The same way a dream has no limits, so is the realm of love. Chochote chaweza kufanyika. People have been known to meet in all sorts of ways and manner. Infatuation can be with someone seated next 2 you in the room. Same thing with obsession. It's a world of relativity. I challenge anyone to tell me a SPECIFIC characteristic of THIS KIND OF LOVE that automatically lends it to FAILURE. It will be TRIVIAL to show how most, if not all of these characteristics are not unique to "BLOGOPHILIA". Ball is in your court folks ... am so spoiling for an argument:

woof!! woof!!

To each his/her own. Rather than negativity and suspicion and pessimism, why not SUPPORT and ENCOURAGE budding lovers?

Ok, let the cynics get out of dem closets .... come on out ...


ps: In case y'all wonder why mwangi is so vehemently arguing in favour of love by any means, let me save you the trouble. I am IN LOVE with a blogger - and yes - SHE KNOWS IT and yes - SHE LOVES ME TOO. And yes, am brutal with my honesty like that - kiroho safi.