Going Downtown: Lessons from the Dinka

Disclaimer: This post contains regional cultural elements that may not be palatable for all. Reading discretion is advised.


I have always wondered whether the National Geographic Television exploits African Tribes in some of their programming. Amongst the tribes who have managed to retain their customs in spite of modern pressures, NGEO really enjoys showing semi-naked women, and for the keen-eyed, it is obvious that not only do they zoom in on these women’s mammalian glands, but they also prolong the frame a few seconds. But the object of this post is not to gripe about NGEO. Not after what I saw yesterday.

When it comes to going downtown, some men have always trodden with trepidation; am talking about involuntary trembling and quivering. Some guys just do not just “dive in” . They evaluate the pros and cons from afar:

Is there a certification from the Food and Drug Administration, declaring “FIT FOR CONSUMPTION”?
How is the vegetation?
Kadhaa push-ups to psyche themselves up …
Etc, etc …

After last night, I discovered that such fears are at best, frivolous. Do you know what the Dinka Men do to stimulate their cows to produce more milk? I swear to one God: THEY GO DOWN ON THEM!!!!!!

I was incredulous at this. I mean, the guy was not licking; he was whole-heartedly consuming the ng'ombe's nini. I closed my eyes, shamed that they dared show such a scene. I opened my eyes 30 seconds later and the dude was still at work. There and then, I found myself wondering:

1. Do these guys ever go down on their mamas?
2. Should any man worth his salt ever, ever, ever have any qualms going downtown on a mama?
3. Will I burn 4 such thoughts?
   
   

Classic Bullying Experiences ...

“Form 1, when I clap, you jump!”
After obeying the instructions …
“Form 1, who asked you to come down?” …. Hefty slap …



“Form 1, May your carcass rot!”
And all were supposed to respond in unison:
“Long live Nyangweso!”



Our school is hosting games. One of the big boys “hooks” a chick. He’s vibing her.You mistakenly happen to cross infront of him. He orders you to stand still and smile so he can intro duce you to his girlfriend. He proceeds thus:
“Sweetie, I present to you my washing machine.”




“Form 1, who am I?”
The response to which unfailingly had to be:
“How can we know you, O Father, your knowledge is unfathomable to us”




*This one was the most humiliating*
The jamaa partly takes off his shorts, exposing his pubic hair. He tells a guy to count how many pubic hairs he has ! The guy counted 96. He was chapwad ngotos coz the guy thought he had more than a hundred …




Yet another one. A guy gives you 50 cents during the first first days. He asks you to go to the canteen, buy him bread and leta change!! That time you don’t even know where the canteen is … he directs you to a teacher’s house, eti that’ s where cheap loaf is normally sold …



Do you guys have nasty memories from high school ama primo?

Kenyan Women NOT Good in Bed.

It has emerged that Kenyan MEN have a voracious appetite for sex BUT that the WOMEN are neither good nor frequent at it.

This is where Ms. Gertrude Mungai comes in. In recognition of this fact (?), her entrepreneurial spirit has convinced her to set-up a course to rectify this situation before it spirals out of control.

Objectives of the course:

a] To emphasize, and consequently teach, the fundamentals of a strong sexual performance in relationships - complementary with, rather than substituting, the traditional prerequisite of "exceptional culinary skills" and "vigorous child-bearing ability"

b]As a corollary to objective (a) above:

To give sufficient incentive for men to help around the house, automatically safeguarding against philandering - an inherent Kenyan male trait

Methodology:

A combination of pole, belly and lap-dancing, accompanied with various strip teasing techniques will be taught.

Qualifications:

a) Kenyan woman, must be over the age of 18

* An initial placement practical will be conducted to determine the skill level of the participants*

*All qualified participants are encouraged to submit their applications*

NB:

Limited Scholarships, covering the full costs of training , are available for rural women, as well as women over the age of 60. Apply early as the scholarships are on a first come, first serve basis

Money-Back Guarantee:

Your man will never be the same again! If you don't notice a change (coming home early, incessant desire for sex, etc) within the first week of training, you are entitled to a full refund.

Application Deadline:

Approaching soon, register ASAP !

Why Kenya is NOT ready for the gay community

Is Kenya ready to embrace the gay community?

Forgetting for a minute the revealing albeit questionable survey that hugged the Standard Front Page yesterday, what do people think about this issue?

For starters, the widespread belief is that homosexuals are not genetically predisposed as such, but rather make conscious lifestyle choices. The jury is still out in this regard. Rather than pretend or lie or even worse, adopt an indifferent opinion, I am of the opinion that until they isolate the gene responsible, homosexuality IS a lifestyle choice.

But the question I posed was: Is Kenya ready?

I propose that we need not worry about the genesis of homosexuality to answer a very definitive “no.” Why?

What if we consider one's sexual orientation as a moral norm?
A norm becomes stable in a society when the benefits associated with subscribing to the norm outweigh the costs. I believe we have not reached this juncture. The costs (stigma, ridicule, physical punishment, workplace discrimination, etc) far outweigh any benefits a gay Kenyan might think of. Furthermore, I think that the delicate interplay between the attendant costs and benefits is evolutionary in nature. I believe that it is harmful in the long run to attempt to accelerate the process. Obviously in Kenya, we are headed towards, rather than away from tolerating gay people. The tipping point might come, but not as soon as some of us would wish.

We had a lengthy debate about this issue on another forum and one member posed this scenario:


“How much should society permit? Sooner or later, polyandrist leaning individuals, persons of group sex orientation etc will come out of the closet advocating for their rights.Society is organic and whereas at any one given time it has its limits of tolerance, it, beyond the ebb and flow, always finds a way of steering towards where the best interests of all lie.”

And now I ask all of you, If you all agree that citizens cede authority to a central government so that the “most good” (i.e the interests of the majority) is done, then why do we seem to have a problem submitting to a norm that has withstood the test of time – one that society holds stable for whatever reasons – but surely for the best interests of society?


As for my personal feelings, I would be flat out lying if I said it was a simple matter to reconcile inwards. Nay, all I would hope for is that in the final analysis, I should be found tolerant, devoid of the blemish of prejudice.

Solving Insecurity - give us guns !!

Let us also be allowed to carry guns. Priory, these gun totting bastards were only interested in money. We excused them. We said that the government was not creating enough jobs. The idiots have evolved. They are younger, more sadistic and gruesomely brutal. Men and women alike are being raped with impunity; mouths are being blown off for fun. Kalashnikovs have replaced toy pistols and G3s …The antidote is but only one. Let us allow ordinary wananchi to arm themselves so they are in a position to act in self-defense. Why?

1) The thugs have upgraded their weaponry, so why shouldn’t the rest of us? As of 2002 when I left Kenya,. My father had the following arsenal to protect his family (ranking is in ascending order, starting with the most primitive …)

· Two buckets of stones
· A walking stick cum “sword” (you know them wazee walking sticks that have a sheath hiding a poisoned blade … it’s the closest thing to a sword I have seen)
· A bow and set of arrows
· An 8-foot long spear – this is the crème de la crème of our arsenal. The efficiency of this particular spear was demonstrated back when I was in form 4. Thugs attacked our house for the first time. The window grills were no match for a big-ass stone that these guys used. Luckily, and unbeknownst to them, they attacked the wrong window, right where my father slept – one ear alert to the demons that lurked outside. The first smash paralyzed woke my sisters up and paralyzed them with dread. My mother meanwhile went into her default defensive mode, she started praying in tongues. My father went to war, imbued with divine courage that ebbed from my mother’s incantations and coursed through my father’s blood. With the second smash, the window came crashing down. It was now an empty space. The cold breeze whispered eerily into the house, as if aware of the impasse that loomed. My father did not wait for the bastards to make their move. Luckily, the thugs were not wielding guns. None of them had the courage to get the shaft first, and that is probably what saved us …

+ Obviously, close combat has now taken on a whole new meaning in Kenya. One would almost rather be patrolling the streets of Baghdad than be faced with Kalashnikov vs Machete Battle. What if they rape you in front of your kids? That would be the end of your manhood. Rather a painful death than that ignominy. GIVE US GUNS. If they come to our houses, may the best man win. But they will have trepidation, and if you realize they are there before they enter your house, they better have brought body bags with them …+


2) People will not resort to using guns to resolve domestic squabbles. Generally, this is true. How many homes do you know that don’t have a machete? Yet, how many people slash each other every day? Not that many.It is within acceptable statistical range. And even if machetes were not there, these exceptions would still strangle whoever they wanted to harm. What would you then? Cut off their arms?? Well, obviously you haven’t seen Jack Bauer in a sizzling episode of 24, tearing OUT another man’s jugular with his bare teeth, hands tied behind his back … and spitting it on the ground like it was “gikorora” …


3) Still for those who are only satisfied by raw data, it is instructive to point that it hasn’t been established that possessing guns raises the level of crime. Sweden, the most heavily armedSociety in the whole world has a population of 9 million, there are (2006) 656 000 persons who legally own about 2 million weapons: 959 000 rifles, 726 000 shotguns, 122 000 combination hunting weapons, 88 000 pistols, 55 000 revolvers, 3 000 full auto weapons and 78 000 extra barrels and other parts you need a permit for. The age limit is 15.* Besides, we are always crowing about how we Kenyans are peaceful, let us put this to the test …


4) The police are scared of the thugs. Some police are thugs. Police are being killed by thugs. Politicians have a convoy of bodyguards, all totting automatics. So who is to protect the common mwananchi?


5) By golly !! Men are being raped!!!


GIVE US GUNS !!

* Thanks Dr. Matilu Mwau for the stats*

Why Kenya Needs Fewer Political Parties ...

The Statistics:

# of political parties in Kenya as year end 2006 = 75
# of parties represented in parliament = 8
# of new parties registered in 2006 = 21

Pending [notable] new parties:

i) Rap-Kenya --> Pastor Pius Muiru
ii) Vijana Progressive Alliance --> By the "Youth"


Conflicting Schools of Thought:

P. Lumumba:

"In such an atmosphere, faith in political ideology is not taken seriously;political parties are just vehicles for those who claim political office to sail through the sea of politics ... "

ECK Chairman Samuel Kivutu:

"I do not know why they are being formed. If it is because of the Bill, it is very dishonest. The fewer the better. Ghana had 10 parties, but they have gone down to four because of a law."


Kenya National Human Rights Commission Chairman, Mr. Maina Kiai:

"Let it be like a market where parties will be exposed to natural selection over time."




MY TAKE:

In my opinion, the debate on the optimum number of parties for Kenya is long overdue. Further, I would like to voice my support for Messrs P.Lumumba and Samuel Kivuitu. The proposal to drastically reduce the number of political parties in Kenya is not only laudable but also crucial to nurturing a healthy democratic system. Despite being the norm,the status quo, espoused by the likes of Mr. Kiai is detrimental to competitive politics.

There is plenty of anecdotal evidence to support the "less is better" position. The United States and Great Britain, for example , are telling case studies. I would dare suggest that these two nations - if you'll pardon my choice of superlatives- possess the best democratic institutions. The United States boasts of two main parties (Democratic Party, Republican Party) and so does Britain (Labour & Conservatives) ... we could add the Liberal Democrats to keep the naysayers at bay.

Mr. Lumumba rightly postulates why fewer parties are better. His suggestion that fewer parties foster an ideology based political system is spot on. Certainly, this claim is corroborated by the aforementioned analogies of Britain and the United States. We've all heard of catch phrases like pro-life, big government, et cetera being peddled through the media ...

That said, skeptics could argue, and perhaps rightly so, that such a scenario could readily unfold in a 5, 6, or even 10 party scenario. The "natural selection" scenario hypothesized by Mr. Kiai certainly does not look implausible at this stage. For this reason, I believe that in addition to fronting why fewer parties are better, it is vitally important to demonstrate how this ameliorated situation arises.


Keeping the number of political parties at a minimum raises the TRANSACTION COST of switching parties. "Cost" here is more roughly synonymous with "inconvenience" rather than the conventional notion of cost in $$ terms. When you have 2 main parties- A and B -the electorate are under no illusion about what each of the parties stand for. Assuming a member of party A becomes dissatisfied with his party, what is her/his recourse?

a) Switch to B and risk being labelled wishy-washy or "flip-flopper" ?

or

b) Fight to impose her/his viewpoint within party A?


Clearly, a few individuals would opt to incur the higher transaction costs by switching to party B. This would likely transpire if:

a) They feel they have been aggrieved irreconcilably [Joe Lieberman -closet Republican as we speak]

or

b) The said individuals enjoy significant political economies of scale with their electorate within the niche in which they compete, hence offsetting the high switching transaction costs. This can be occasioned by any number of factors including longevity (Muite would probably always win the Kabete seat based on this), fanatic following (Raila maybe) or quite simply the lack of a viable opponent (Better the devil you know ...)



However, as long as a critical mass of aggrieved individuals remain to advocate for change in their original parties, then the aggregate effect in both parties A and B is positive. Leaders in both parties, faced with a barrage of complaints would have to accede to compromise and stronger, ideologically driven parties A and B would evolve.


Mr. Kiai's idea of party evolution would ultimately be manifested, but not by natural selection. After all, natural selection depends a lot on unpredictable chance. Although we could be sure that the 'fittest party" will survive, we have no clue whether "the fittest party" would provide a conducive climate for a prosperous Kenya. What if , God forbid, a party of bullies and dictators overcomes?

Hence, I'd advocate that we take the more certain route ...

Once bitten, twice shy ...

Scenario:

Raila: "The President promised he would not run for a second term if we supported him in 2002."

Kibaki: "Some remarkable people got surprised to hear that I intend to complete the period for which I was chosen to complete and I intend to complete it. I have no intention of giving it up and I have never indicated to anyone that I had any such intention."

Raila: "What example is the President showing to the nation? He is a Christian and he must tell the truth. Let him swear on the Bible that he never made such a commitment.”


The Political Reality:

To make things interesting, let’s even assume that Raila is right, that Kibaki indeed made the commitment. A lot of things have been said about Raila the politician. No doubt he is powerful, cunning, and most definitely influential. His latest outburst however betrays a man devoid of political astuteness. I have always thought of Raila as a very smart politician and am therefore really surprised that he’d show such political naiveté. Why did he lack the shrewdness and discernment to figure out in 2002 what is now returning to bite his back?

The vital lesson that Raila, Kalonzo, Musikari Kombo and indeed all aspiring and budding politicians will have to learn is this:

“Ex-ante Political Commitments are not credible.”

A commitment by two or more parties (individuals, politicians, businessmen, etc.) can be regarded as a contract. So in this case, we can assume that Kibaki and his allies entered into a political contract – albeit verbal – in 2002. Mind you, even if the parties involved had made their contract in writing, my argument would still be material. Why?

Expanding my argument further:

“Ex-ante Political Commitments are not credible because they ARE NOT legally enforceable.”

Why?

“Because political contracts inherently endow first mover advantages that render legal recourse meaningless”

To substantiate my claims, let us consider for example, a business contract, say one that involves the exchange of a good. This kind of commitment is credible ex-ante (before the event) because it is legally enforceable ex-post (after the event). In fact, such contracts can even be executed anonymously. That is why we can comfortably go online and give out our credit card details to another party, 10,000 miles away, fully aware that if the other party does not honour his/her end of the bargain, the end outcome might be way costlier than what they initially aimed to obtain fraudulently from you. In a way, this property renders such contracts self-regulating … almost an invisible hand …

Now consider a political contract like:

“I will not run for a second term if you all help me get elected this term”

If I am to agree to such a contract, it’s either because:

i) I am the one making the pledge not to run the second time
ii) Barring that, I am a complete moron

In my opinion, I believe Kibaki made the pledge not to run a second term. I even believe he meant to stay true to his word. But, there is certain predictability about the nature of power … it probably would not matter if Jesus had made that pledge. He’d probably still want a second term. I mean, what is to stop anyone? Beyond two terms, legal enforceability sets in and you got to go. Trust me that is the reason the maximum of two terms has to be written legibly in ink, and engraved in the constitution in democratic countries. Imagine if countries relied on “goodwill commitments” or in Raila’s case, on the fear of God:

“He is a Christian and he must tell the truth. Let him swear on the bible that he never made such a pledge….” [LMAO when I read this ...]


The only truth is, they got played. Not only that, Kibaki being the first mover now controls the whole situation. The state mechanism is at his disposal. He is quoted in the Standard as saying:

"I am quite sure that I will...I will...anyway I have friends."

You better believe that not only did he mean it, but also that he intends to bring those friends into his service in the coming days. This development is so fascinating it should be a case study in Political Science and Game Theory classes in Universities. I just feel sorry for the desperate folks who are on the receiving end.

Now, if ODM was to agree, by consensus on which candidate to front in December, and assuming that they even won the election (I doubt it, but that makes things interesting), it will be déjà vu in 2012. One of Kalonzo, Raila, Uhuru, Ruto, and Mudavadi would have amassed power and used it, advertently or otherwise, to dish the same lesson to his erstwhile partners.

That is just the way the game ALWAYS pans out. If only people could learn ...

Hot vs. Sexy: What's the difference ?

Can a girl be:

Hot and not sexy?

Sexy but not hot?

What is the difference? I personally think it's people trying to be cute with language ...

Some haters were vehemently proclaiming that Beyonce is sexy but not hot !!
You know how they saw about beauty/booty lying in the eyes of the beholder/beer holder? I think the latter case applies to Beyonce haters ... She is SMOKING ... right peeps??